THE ONE LEGGED JANITOR (or 'Nasty Nasty'?)

The score is 3-2, and 10 men who are all old enough to know better, are charging around Gateshead Leisure Centre like teenagers in the park. There is 10 minutes to go and the opposition’s best striker has the ball, has beaten 3 of the lads, and looks like nothing is going to stop him making it 4-2 and taking victory in Octobers last ‘Monday Night 5 a Side Challenge’. But hold on, what’s this? It’s none other than Dave Wiseman, Gateshead’s most competitive defender, charging in like a missile, combining the pace and aggression of a runaway combine harvester, with the grace and footballing talent of a runaway combine harvester. In goes the challenge, and the striker is dispossessed, to the amazement of all 10 players and the two OAPs in the gallery who are half watching the action, in between reminding each other of the fields that pre-dated this very spot. ‘First thing he’s done right all night, he’s been crap so far’ I imagine the chat went.  

Anyway, I take the ball with my left foot, laid it on, then land on my right foot, then my right knee. Hip, elbow, shoulder and head follow, until I am lying in a crumpled heap on the edge of the box. I knew the snapping sound that accompanied this graceless tumble wasn’t right, and 3 hours later in A & E at the General, the doctor confirmed that my 5th metatarsal was now 3 x 5th metatarsals. (A broken foot, in simple terms!). 

‘Same injury as David Beckham’ she quipped, hinting at some sort of comparison between his playing and mine. ‘Yes, we are very similar on the pitch’, I replied, just to humour her. Girls know nothing about football, so I wasn’t going to confuse her by telling her I play more like John Terry. 

Anyhoo, the upshot is that I am on crutches for 6 weeks, and consequently the Janny-Machine has come to a temporary halt, starting with the cancellation of Saturdays gig at O’Malley’s. Freddie Mercury fans would baulk, and the man himself would turn in his grave at such a decision after his ‘Show must go on ‘ mantra, but I'm sure you’ll agree, the Janitors wouldn’t look right with the lads jumping around, and a Val Doonican style guitarist sitting on a bar stool ! (No playing comparisons please!)

As I write, I am told the Angelic Upstarts are taking up the mantle and stepping in for Saturday, which is a more than suitable substitute, so it’s still worth getting down there. (I wish I could!)

We are booked for the 3 Tuns in Coundon on 7th December, so fingers (and metatarsals ) crossed I will be back to two legs by then, and we will see you there – we have a few new songs lined up too so I'm really looking forward to it ! 

In the meantime, ill continue to sit here and watch Trisha and Jeremy Kyle sort out the world’s problems, in between endless re runs of Top Gear and Murder she Wrote. 

See you soon

Dave Janitor